Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Little Secret

I am becoming a different person. Starting this blog, Project Supermom, and writing and planning and organizing and learning and thinking about it has almost made me feel like I've FINALLY come out of the closet!

I am that girl who has always done what I was told...done the right things...done what was expected...followed the path laid out in front of me, because I was supposed to. Being good at what I was told to do and meeting and exceeding those expectations is simply what was expected of me. So much of what I have done has been to fulfill the role my parents expect of me, and that has gotten me so much, in my life. I have been afraid to step off that path, because to stay in their good graces, it almost seems that I can only be the person they want me to be...they are just fine with that girl, but it's not feeling like they would be ready to get behind the woman I'm becoming.

I am bursting at the seams with Project Supermom and a future with it! My friends tell me, I have to be brave and do what makes me feel happy, just like I talk about in the Project. But, I am afraid of going down this new path...the kind of fear I felt, hanging off the side of a double-black diamond ski run, recently. I knew I could get down, but for some reason, I was literally frozen in whole body was shaking...I was bawling. My husband was below, trying to talk to me down from the ledge, as he so often does. I finally eased up on my skis and started to go. Tensely, I made my first cut, then the next, then the next...and wondered why, as I got to the bottom, I'd made it so HARD? Project Supermom seems almost like my first "step". Otherwise, all of this remains my little secret, at least where my immediate family is concerned. If this leads to more, I don't know what I'll do, for fear of losing their support. That fear has been an underlying theme my whole life. But, I think I am more me, now, than I have ever been. I am certainly more proud of myself...I want them to be a part of that...I wish they were...I am afraid...

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